This is your trash, America

I’m sitting in my living room, by myself, wrapped in the quilt I made in New Hampshire, listening to Joe Purdy and A.A Bondy, drinking some wine, drinking some hot tea, and reminiscing.  My life is so good, so, so good.   This morning I had matte with Bernadette and Amanda at Viento.

So we have a summary of 2008.

• Began writing a book about the 11,000 mile road trip around America. Basically, I was miserable and depressed in my 8-5 job and didn’t know where I wanted to go but knew I needed to leave and so I decided to go.  Destination unknown.  In it are lines like “aren’t you running away?” “no, you can deal with shit on the road” and “I left thinking I was finding a new place to live, but instead I found myself.   The road trip is probably the best decision I have ever made with my life.  I’ve resisted finishing this story, but still, it is in my heart and I will finish it some day.
• Got a banjo!
• January – decided I needed to get the hell out of LA and wandered up to Big Sur during some of the most insane storms of the season.  Camped in the rain, climbed a tree to put up a tarp, met an older Idahoan couple who would bike until the weather reached 20 degrees F.  Then, found my way up to a Benedictine monastery where I met a woman who invited me to mass and subsequently gave me her cabin to stay in; this cabin had been reserved months ahead of time and was 80 bucks a night.  It was on a huge mountain overlooking the pristine Pacific.  That night, I went to the last service that the monks do.  I was the only layperson there.  Just me and the monks.  They sang and sang and harmonized in the classic Gregorian chant style.   I remember standing on that mountain, knowing that I could not have planned this adventure, knowing that God is very, very real and most of all, that the Lord loves me.  I can’t run away from that.
• Lived with my mom
• Began teaching SAT prep in March. Learned math again.
• Got the job with SHP. Led a 400 mile bike trip from Amsterdam to Paris, co-leading with Jed, for 6 teenage boys. Realized how amazing women are. Realized I can handle more than I think, because cycling in insane headwinds through hail wasn’t the limit. Had a romantic relationship with Jed upon our return to Massachusetts. Went to a camping/potluck wedding in Vermont. She made her own dress, the flowers were from her garden, and they were building their house underneath the wedding tent. Inspired.    Also, worst working relationship ever with Steve, the owner of SHP, who turns out to be a very, very bad man.
• Came back, started teaching, moved into Casa Hermosa
• Became incredible settled and domesticated
• Spontaneously biked to San Diego with a British guy I met
• Prayer every Wednesday morning with Chelle, who is a gem of a human.
• Realized I want to go back to school; began studying Latin and applied to CSULB
• Did a triathlon
• Got a piano!
• edit
• Who I want to be, really, is this – love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.  This is it.

For now, here are some things I am excited about for 2009:

• cycling and racing
• doing a half-ironman
• getting a 4.0; learning more Latin and French

But really, Sarah and I need to have our yearly intentions conversation at 212 Bistro.  Last January we were there for hours, she smoked cigarettes and I drank coffee.  We talked about 2008.  Little did I know it would be such a transformational year.

Because really, I only have first-world problems.  Guys? The fact that I get to choose who I want or do not want to be with is not a choice the majority of women in this world have.  I can take long showers.  Every time I’m in the shower and I’ve reached the point where I know I’m done but I don’t want to get out of hot water I think of women who walk miles to carry water to their family and I immediately turn it off.  I ride a bike for fun.  I’m going back to school.  I am so blessed, so, so blessed.

Thank you God.  Thank you friends and family and church and Long Beach.  Thank you sunsets and sunrises, fog over the waters, and rain in the winter.  Thank you Casa Hermosa. Thank you to all the mentors throughout my life who have loved me enough to be honest with me.  Life keeps getting better.  It was hard for a long time.  I was dealing with a lot of pain.  But I feel like I am “coming into my own,” so to speak.

So here’s to intimacy, love, authenticity, and courage.  Here’s to hard conversations.  Here’s to unstoppable.  Here’s to patience, perseverance, kindness, goodness, joy, peace, and self-control.  Here’s to the man I will one day marry – may you be blessed and getting more kickass every day.  Here’s to my family.  Here’s to my friends – thank you for riding the roller coaster of my emotions with me throughout the years. Here’s to Long Beach. Here’s to 2009.